Scars of the Heart…

Its been almost a year since that dreadful/blessed day when my life was flipped over and changed in a nanosecond. Right now, I’m feeling a twinge in my heart… I think this is from the scar that formed there.

While thinking about how I’ll compose this post, I tried to remember the good part of my relationship with the father of my child and somehow, I just can’t dredge up that much. I thank the Lord for this, because I know that through his divine intercession, I am spared from pain. Now… it’s just a little twinge as a reminder of all that happened in the past year.

In the last 12 months, I can really say that my life has changed and will never be the same. This is will be a long post… so please bear with me…

Pain. I went through so much pain that there were times when I doubted if I would survive. My world as I knew it was ripped out from under me and my child. The foundation that I wanted and built for my child was just thrown in the garbage because of lust, greed and selfishness.

Anger. Imagine the Incredible Hulk – but on the inside. I discovered how powerful this feeling really is. No, I did not hit anyone (I have more class than that, Thank You Lord), but what was inside me was really terrifying. I, for one, did not like it. Through God’s grace and mercy, I was able to control it, though there are still moments when it would suddenly rear its ugly head, but I know how to handle it.

Betrayal. This comes in many shapes and sizes. For me, it came from the people closest to me. My brothers, my god parents, the man who fathered my child, friends that I have called family. It really hits when you expect it the least.

Trust. Trust is really one of the core foundations of the anything and everything in this world. If there is no trust, there is nothing. I had to learn about trust and what the effects are from the lack of it in a very difficult way. My lessons came in tied with betrayal and disappointment.

Family. The modern-day concept of family nowadays, is that a family is disposable. For some yes, for me… no. I lost my family in a big way. Not because of death but because of lack of trust, greed, jealousy, betrayal and selfishness. But in the past year, I was able to create a different kind of family. My new family is composed of me, my daughter, my two other brothers, one friend (whom I also call sister of my heart and an honorary aunt to my kid) and God. These are the people whom I call family -> Headed by God.

Money. Money is not the root of all evil, it is the intent and purpose that makes it evil. A lot of people will sell their sister and niece, life partner and daughter and even their own soul just to get their hands on money. The story of Joseph is one good example of how money influences a person’s heart to evil. It is true that people will need money to survive, but if your really think about it, money will come and go. Here one minute, gone the next – just like life. I know that I am currently experiencing the toughest financial bind of my life, but one lesson that I’ve learned is that the lack of money is not the end. I thank God everyday that He opened by mind and heart to realize this and that He cleansed me of the poison that was introduced in my life by my ex and his love for money.

Matthew 6:23-24 New International Version (NIV)

23 But if your eyes are unhealthy,your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

Process. Anyone who has gone through something traumatic wishes that they could fast forward time and just really get over it. Many people go through denial and say that everything is okay after a short period of time. Not really! A person needs to go through the whole process. No skipping to another part. It’s really one step at a time. One agonizing day after the other. Shock, Anger, Pain, Denial, Healing, Acceptance… and some other parts… we really need to go through all of them.

Healing. My healing came in a slow way. Just like when you have a broken bone, it takes time. You need to deal with the pain, frustration and anger, as well as a test of patience. Healing is like learning how to walk or ride a bike. You will be knocked on your ass but you need to get up and try again. Its trial and error… BUT… you need to keep moving forward and find your place of security and peace. For me I found it with God. A renewed relationship… He healed me and my child and… is still healing us.

Proverbs 4:21-23 Amplified Bible (AMP)

21 Let them not depart from your sight; keep them in the center of your heart.

22 For they are life to those who find them, healing and health to all their flesh.

23 Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life.

Friendship. When you find the right friend, all you need is one. In the past year, I have seen friendship in all of its degrees. A true friendship is not measured by the length of time that you have been together, but is measured by its content. I thought that because I had friends, when the going got tough, they would be there for me. I guess, the bond that ties us broke because it was not strong enough in the first place. God was not in the relationship. In the course of the past year, God gave me a friend that I now call a sister of my heart. I also gained 2 more friendships in the past year… My friendship with my daughter and my friendship with God. 3 friendships that are worth more than all of the gold on this earth.

Motherhood. The past year has really tested my motherhood skills at its core. Not in the physical sense but more of the emotional and spiritual sense. Understand that during the time that I was in deep pain, my daughter was in deep pain as well. Her idea of family crumbled right before her eyes. This is what tested my motherhood skills. How will I cope with the pain and how can I help my child through her pain as well. How will I change and make her accustomed to the situation when all she has ever known was that her father was constant in her life. How will I stand as a mother and as a father… on and on the list goes on… I am happy to report that so far, we are happier now compared to what we had before (with my ex), we are  coping well, one day at a time.. through faith and trust in the Lord.

Faith. For me and all that I have been through, it has really been a test of faith. I was walking blind through faith. When everything else in the world fails, that is where faith steps in. This is where I am now, living in faith. Every time I fear, every time I worry, I go back to faith. It’s not easy especially when you see the reality of the situation, but then faith is…

Hebrews 11: 1-3 New International Version (NIV)

11 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for.

By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

Hope. I wake up each morning with hope. Before, I woke up for the sake of waking up, but now, I am excited with the coming of each new day because of hope. I hope for the miracles in my life, I hope for the breakthroughs that are coming my way. I hope for a new love and bigger and better family. I hope because of God. Life has more meaning now because of hope. I have a closer relationship with God and my child because of hope.

Genesis 50:20-21 Amplified Bible (AMP)

20 As for you, you thought evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring about that many people should be kept alive, as they are this day.

21 Now therefore, do not be afraid. I will provide for and support you and your little ones. And he comforted them [imparting cheer, hope, strength] and spoke to their hearts [kindly].

Psalm 9:17-19 Amplified Bible (AMP)

17 The wicked shall be turned back [headlong into premature death] into Sheol (the place of the departed spirits of the wicked), even all the nations that forget or are forgetful of God.

18 For the needy shall not always be forgotten, and the expectation and hope of the meek and the poor shall not perish forever.

19 Arise, O Lord! Let not man prevail; let the nations be judged before You.

I know that whatever happened in the past, God has a reason. Many thought and wished and hoped… that what happened to me will end me and my existence. But! I will take my answer from the scripture that I took from Genesis… “What was meant for my harm, God will use it to my advantage.”

Now if that doesn’t beat it all…

My prayer:

Thank You Lord for a very educational year, it was a rough ride, just like a roller coaster, but really Thank You Father that you were there for me when I had no one to turn to… Thank You that I am still here and Thank You for all of my days to come… I may not see my breakthroughs yet, but I know that they are coming and they will be more than I could ever hope for or imagine. I know Lord, that I would be overwhelmed by the out pour of blessings in the coming days, so I would just like to say this in advance, “Thank You from me and my daughter… Thank You Father, We love you very much…”

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